Bethanii ♥ McKee

qah so like i said im bak lol am so bored , smashin on some cheddar cheese prinqals . YUM , i must add ! so im kinda in a hyper mood , not sure if thats qood or bad yet . 

so im just really startinq to think about my past && all tha bullshxt i put my self throouqh , yes i say put my self throuqh tha b.s . ive never been the type of person to blame anyone for what i do , yes they influence me but thats abt it . i am real qlad i have been throuqh the thinqs i have thouqh , it made me who i am today . dont qit me wronq sometimes i wish so bad that all that shxt never would have happend but i cant chanqe it riqht ? 

u know what really pisses me off ? when people judqe , or sayinq u was wronq for doinq what u did . i qot anothr tat tha beqinninq of Nov. last yr && when i was qittinq it done the quy noticed tha scars on my arm , all he kept sayinq is theres no excuse for cuttinq , its stoopid , i dont feel bad for cutters . blah blah blah like dood did i ask ur for ur opinion or ur pitty ? no i didnt so stfu . why cant people understand that evryone deals with their problems in different ways . i mean im sorry i did it in a way that u think is wronq but my mistake , dont qotta rub it in . 

i just couldnt take shxt anymore && i jus fell in with tha wronq crowd . && quess what it all started from ? a quy no i mean a BOY . i was so madly ‘inlove’ lmfao let him play me , i didnt qiv no fuck . let him qit me raped , i still didnt care . i would hav done anythinq for this dood . round then i started cuttinq , evryone in middle school jus lauqhed at me , made fun . like oh yea its hilarious that im in pain rite ? haha 

from there on i didnt care at all dood . wasnt scared of nothinq i was jus miss bad ass haha i loved tha adrenaline of meetinq quys off tha st , fuqkin random quys , doinq druqs , drinkinq , prostitutinq , all that shxt . i felt worthless && those thinqs made me feel like i was somethinq . evrytime a quy would want to fuqk id jus think ‘i quess i dont look all that uqly i qot niqqas aftr niqqas tryna holla(: least im qud at somethinq’ man all that qot me was even more depressed tho . when id come down from my hiqh i was riqht back into the reality of all the pain && hurt . 

i struqqle so hard to no qo out && prostitue now (qood munee if u kno what u doinq(: lmfao but i DO NOT RECOMMEND IT !!! && if u do it DO NOT HAV A PIMP , they dont do shxt fer u . they’ll treat u qood at first && real u in && then u fuqkd , u qotta b real stronq mentally to qit away from tha pimp) i want to feel wanted && i still sometimes feel thats tha only way to b wanted . remember qurls/quys they dont want u they want ur pussy/dik/ass/. just sayinnnq . 

but hey now i qot my dauqhtr(: i dont need no druqs no sex no lil ass boy no cuttin no nothinq all i need is my beautiful bbq . 

sorry lmfao that wasnt even most of my past , jus felt like ramblinq bt some of it lmfao .

so my qirl is 10 wks preqo , when i saw her ultrasound i felt so jealous lol . sometimes i wish i was still preqnant . i love my biqq round belly lol i want it back sometimes , then i look at my beautiful dauqhter && relize fuck my stomach i qot it so i can jus stare at her all the time(: i can see her move more && hey she still kicks lmfao shes qotten so biq now (YES I KNOW THE SHOES DONT FIT !!! lol) on the 12th she will be 4months . how crazy , i still dont beleve it thouqh it all seems like a dream . shes all mine Mine MINE q: i look at all these other babies && maybe it is because im her mom but shes tha pretties babie i have evr seen , even when her cheeks were so chubby ! i kno i kno i kno so many pics lol sorry i jus love showinq her off<3 OMGSH !!! so i live in joliet , me && my qurl was walkinq hme from tha hospital && all she kept tellinq me was oh there was a murder jus arrested && all these rapist around && this dood went to this females car window && shot her + her baby . ive NVR bin so paranoid in my life && i kno all abt that shxt i bin thru shxt like that && wasnt as scared as i am now , honestly i think its jus because i have my babie qurl now because i swear on evrythinq ivr nvr bin so scared . she dun qot me paranoid . i qot on the bus this morninq && im the first stop so im all alone with a male substitute bus drivr && all i kept thinkinq bt was ‘uh oh why’d i qit on here , he’s qoinq to rape me then kill me’  && i kno that sounds stoopid as hell but thats all thats in my mind now :/ it suks like with all tha shxt i bin thru now all of a sudden i start qittin scared ? idk makes no sense to me lol o well . 

uqh so dumb ass (ciannas dad) told me is mama was qoinq to rent a car to come out last wkend but quess what !? he wrote me sayinq that she chanqed her mind . im sorry but i kno if he REALLY wanted to see HIS dauqhtr he’d find a way . it jus really pisses me off . like with all tha shxt he’s pulld im finally sayinq fuqk him . i feel bad that cianna is qoinq to qrow up without her dad but i cant chanqe him && im not qoinq to put her throuqh that shxt . if she qits mad at me for protectinq her then what ever atleast i know i did my job as her mother . 

so i was just doinq sit ups , but then i just qot completely lazy lol && wanted to write . btw Shout out to my qurl TAYLOR for remindinq me abt tumblr lmfao for some reason i always seem to forqit abt it :/ 

well thats all for right this second i may or may not riqht more later on toniqht . 

aw my babiequrl is so beautiful(: finally qot her lil ass to sleep free time fer mama lmfao qave her a bath early by myself for tha first time i was so damn scared , wasnt so bad tho

 qot my tattoo yesterday♥ am so happy its not finishd yet tho still qotta add he handprint && d.o.b && possibly a little bt of color not sher yet so im thinkinq bout my hair , not sher wich one looks bettr blondish or brownish so confusd && sik of lookinq uqly i jus wish i could look beautiful like all these other qurls i dont know how to chanq my self , ive chanqed so many times :/ hair cut (qroqinq it out now) hair died piercinqs makeup loosinq weiqht qaininq weiqht different styles/clothes , just so many thinqs :/ idk what to do anymore am sik of tryinq so hard </3 

anyway im qoinq to bed aftr Georqe Lopez so niqht niqht♥

mmk so im not exactly sure how to rite a bloq , well i do but not sure it will make perfect sense . so if yhur readinq this sorry .

im so bored riqht now :/ Cianna’s (my dauqhtr) layinq in her swinq asleep shes so beautiful lol the whole time i was preqnant i was so scared i was qoinq to make an uqly baby since im not very pretty but i was mistaken because she is the most qorqeous baby in the whole word  dont care what nobudy says q: 8 more days && she’ll be 2months time sure has qone by fast next thinq i know shes qoinq to b walkinq && tlkinq haha so not ready for that i dont wanna run around chasinq her i like holdinq her to much q: shes startinq to smile more && more shes also much more alert now uqh her dads pissinq me off so much tho :/ 

so because im bored im qoinq to tlk abt me && Cianna’s dad my friend lance came out && brouqht ej (babydady) my qurl && her frends piks us up we all packd in this lil ass pt cruiser ej’s lame ass laid in tha trunk q: any blah blah blah when i qot home ej called me off Lance’s phone and kept qoinq on && on about how he’ll treat me riqht if i qit with him && he really like me all that stupid shxt quys say to qit in yhur pants so i decided to qo out with him oh i forqot to mention he’s “16” we hunq out a few times lance finally told me that ej was 14 ! fuqkinq 14 can yhu beleve it ? uqh i was so pissd so i broke up with him so from mid febuary - beqininq of march i startinq partyinq with my frends drinkinq && smokinq so fer 2 && a half wks i felt like i was havinq a horrible hanqovr finally my dad made me take a preq. test && what do yhu kno it came up positive i told ej but i rele didnt wanna tlk to him for a while kuz he was such an asshole before i knew i was preqo he was talkinq to one of his buddies while i was on the phone && they were tlinq abt what would happen if they qot a qurl preqnant he was like ‘if i ever qot yhu preqnant id just leave’ then he laqued hes like ‘what would yhu do’ i was like ‘shxt i dont need yhur ass’ then i hunq up so tha whole time i was preqnant i didnt know if i wanted him to be in her life or not finally i decided to let him see her once to see how it qoes if it went qood then i would have let him stay in her life he brouqht his mom && his 4cousins i did NOT like his family his mom was tlkinq to the 2 oldr cuzins tellinq them im a whore && she’ll find a way to make Cianna come ovr to their house no matter what (i dont want Cianna qoinq over their becuase their always partyinq && their ALL qanqbanqers i love partyinq but not around my babyqurl !) but i decided to look past that && let him see her aqain but a wk aftr he saw her he put pics up on facebook he had 3pictures of him && her well he decides to put the one with him holdinq her && his 8yr old cuzin throwin up GD’s haha sorry but GDK ! 1)i dont want my dauqhtr around that shxt i bin round it && im qoinq to try my hardest to to keep her away from that life && 2)sorry but i HATE GD’s lol so no way is she qoin b around them it sucks i cuz i really wanted her to have her dad in her life but he fuqkd up hopefully he’ll chanqe && b able to be in her life idk … 

lol anyway wow if anyone reads this i am truly sorry thats probablly so borinq && lame to read lmfao q:

well i dont want to bore yhu any more in this bloqq so ill rite one latr && bore yhu in that one(: haha thanks fer readinq q:

this tha pik btw smfh !!!